Nothing has shaped my life more than the birth of my son. I have yet to meet him. He was adopted. Not being there to raise him and provide for him tormented me for many years. It has also gradually opened my heart to trust the universe.
Seeking him out brings up many ghosts. Since I was 17 I have wanted to redeem myself, amount to something, so that if we ever did meet he would be proud of me. I see that proving myself does no good. He may like me, he may not even have a desire to meet me. I have no control over that. Ever since that experience I have had a strong need to accomplish something worthy, but I realize, the only redemption is forgiving myself, accepting myself, and looking at what I can do. I must accept myself, no matter how anyone one else may feel about me.
I have been taken half-hearted measures to find him for years. I am afraid of receiving upsetting news, yet I want to heal the hole that has been left in me. I want to provide him with any information that may help his journey. If he has curiosity and fear is stopping him, I want to provide the opportunity for him to find me. I want to send an invitation, saying, “If you ever have a desire to meet me, here is my information. I think about you often.” He’s now 31, at that age I still had a grudge against my father. Does he appreciate the parents who raised him? Does he feel so indebted to them that it’s difficult to find his own way? Does he wonder what happened? If I can shed any light on his life I would like that. If he is resentful I will need to accept it, and hope that it may change over time.
The universe is responding to me. Friends are offering help. Gina has given me books and taken me to meetings for biological parents. She reconnected with her biological daughter. They now have a wonderful relationship living side by side. She is doting on and babysitting her two biological grandchildren. Tina, an old friend, reconnected years ago with her biological son and they have remained in each others lives. She has given me very helpful information. My friend Karen recently said, “He would really like you. You’re a real decent guy.”
I do not live in a world of strangers. The world is my extended family. Somewhere two of those strangers raised the child my girlfriend and I brought into this world. He too, is now a stranger.
If I could play a role in his life it would thrill me. Mostly I want to listen to him. Is he happy? Is he hurt? What’s his life story? What questions does he have for me? I hope he’s finding his way. I have not raised any children. I don’t know what that bond is like, but I know what the absence of it feels like.