For years I blamed my father for my insecurity. If only he gave me more encouragement, if he didn’t yell so much. When I was 36 it dawned on me. I had been out of the house eighteen years, I don’ t think Daddy was the problem. I had to admit the truth – Mom screwed up.
I’m noticing a common thread.. When I am in a relationship I’m miserable and then when I’m single I’m miserable. I’m starting to figure out who the problem is. All I have to do is get rid of me and I’ll have that life I have always dreamed of. Wouldn’t it be great if we could divorce ourselves, start all over?
”Oh, I’m not Paul — we split up. Nothing was ever good enough for him.”
“You’re right, you are better off. He was a judgmental prick.”
“Hey, easy, it’s tough not to take that personally.”
Experts say we can’t have good relationships with others until we love our selves. So I have been working on my relationship with myself. It’s really working out! It’s the little things I do. The surprises. I walk into the bathroom and there’s a post it on the mirror, “I’m so lucky to be you.” Wow, that’s so thoughtful. On my headboard there’s a note, “You’re the best I ever had.” Wow, I think I could be the one. I just finished balancing my checkbook — I am solvent and sexy!
I am giving myself the attention I need. For years everyone listened to my advice — except me. I know better! I question my own authority. Who am I to tell me what to do? I have worked on myself for years. I now question whether their really even is a self. Any image I have of myself is simply that – an image, an illusion.
The Eastern Philosopher Krisnamurti pointed out that we become attached, especially to the images of our selves and others. Let it go. Who we think we are is based on thought and thought is a thing of the past and can never discover the new, the moment. We must die to every moment. Krisnamurti said that Truth was a pathless land, no one can lead you there. I have been a follower ever since. I’m aware of the paradox, truth is often paradoxical. I don’t need to improve. I just need to let go of any image I have of myself, of the ideal of who I think I should be. No need to improve. I’m am happy being my own “Before” picture.
I am a verb. Seeking the joy requires a full commitment to the moment, no time for images of who I am, only awareness of what each moment asks, then action. That’s transformation.
I am not the same person I was when I began this sentence.
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