Author Archives: pawlyons

About pawlyons

Paul is a stand up comic, actor, and writer. He has written for Chicken Soup For The Soul, Comedy Central, TV Guide, Details, and PurpleClover.

Game Changer

I’m subjected to prejudice daily because of my condition: aging. After jogging yesterday I leaned over to catch my breath, like I’ve done for the last forty years. A car swerved  to the side of the road and a young man  asked if I was okay. “Okay? Am I okay? Best shape of my life, you fetus. I just ran three miles. Get lost. Go to Calcutta and feed the hungry, you no good Samaritan!” I would have yelled some more, but my left arm started to feel numb. Why didn’t he give me credit for jogging? Well, I call it jogging even though today I was passed by a woman with a walker. But let’s be fair– she got extra bounce from the tennis balls. Continue reading

Driving Myself Sane

I wanted to get into the left lane, so I put on my blinker. Bad idea. It tipped off the guy a hundred yards behind me. He sped up as if to say, “You’re not getting in my lane, pal, you’re not getting one car length ahead of me and ruining my life.” I wanted to get even, get in front of him and slam on my breaks. I sped up. He sped up. I sped up.  He sped up. I looked at my speedometer. I was going 96 miles an hour. I thought, “Paul, settle down! This is a ford fiesta! What are you doing? How did I get sucked into this guy’s misery?” Continue reading

How to Be a Paranoid Optimist!

I have an active imagination with scenarios constantly swinging from horrific to heroic–I call it Paranoid Optimism. It’s the Murphy’s Law of spirituality: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but fortunately it’s all for the best. As a kid this thinking helped me fall asleep by assuming that the monster under my bed could beat the crap out of anyone in the closet. Continue reading